He’s got this!

These past few weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions. I’ve laughed, cried, grumbled, slept, danced, squealed, and so many other things that at times I think I am going a little crazy. Feeling all of these things has made me feel vulnerable, uncertain, and nervous. Don’t worry I haven’t changed my mind; I am just being honest.

But, really… I am making the most important, enormous, life changing decision of my life, what did I expect?

As I was telling a dear Sister of the crazy emotions I was feeling, she said, “There is not much that can bring out such strong emotions from us. That should tell you the worth of your decision.” The only way to make it through it all is to TRUST, trust that God loves me so much. He loves me so much that He has called me to serve Him so intimately, so radically, and so beautifully. The worth of my vocation is too precious to be named. It is actually quite a miracle!

Of all the young women out there, He has asked me to be His Bride. While I doubt myself and question if I have what it takes to be a sister, God already knows about ALL of that stuff. He is calling me anyways. He wants to take all of me, the good and the bad, and use me to further His Kingdom!  It really is an honor, a privilege, and a gift that God is asking for my life.

The same sister (and many others) told me how normal all these emotions are, and if I didn’t experience this overflow of emotion she would be worried. If I were entering religious life without having “freak out” moments then she would be worried that I don’t understand what I’m doing. I am giving up EVERYTHING in my current life to start a new life of poverty, celibacy, and obedience. It’s kind of a big deal.  My spiritual director asked me how I was feeling about all of this, and I said, “I am excited, but I am freaking out a little bit.” He asked, “Why?” I said, “Because I am just a little human being, and He is God! This is big!” He just nodded and laughed at me.

Truly, I am so very excited! In just 9 days, I am going to begin the biggest adventure of my life.  While there is much to look forward to, I have to face the fact that my life will no longer be my own. Yet, this is a radical choice I am making: to let God have total control. This part makes me anxious because I have been Miss Independent for so much of my life. Now, I have to surrender and trust in Him totally and completely. I will be falling into His arms. But, His arms are so strong, so warm, so loving, and so powerful. What do I have to fear? Nothing!

I’ve spent so much of my life relying on myself, an imperfect being, and I’ve struggled to rely on the most powerful being in existence, the Lord.  That makes no sense! I have to die to myself and truly live for the Lord, and TRUST Him.  When I am worried about anything, I must remember that He’s got this! He is calling me, and I’ve got to answer that call by giving my life. So, here I go.

God knows what He is doing.

I am currently fundraising to pay off my student loans so that I can enter the novitiate freely.  Don’t worry, I won’t be begging for money in this post, I just want to share this part of my story with you. But, if God is calling you to give, please do. 🙂

The thing is I wouldn’t be entering the convent if I didn’t owe so much money.

After high school, I decided to attend The Catholic University of America . As a teenager, my faith was important to me, and I wanted to go somewhere that had a strong Catholic identity. Yes, I was aware of how expensive it was, but I loved it there. So, I took out loans and made it happen.

While I was attending CUA, it just so happens that one, just one Immaculata IHM, was working on her doctorate degree at the same time. The IHM Mother house is in Immaculata, PA – what were the chances I would meet one in D.C.? Well, I just happened to meet her, become good friends with her, get to know her community, go to Peru to work in their schools, decide to enter, change my mind, take a three year hiatus (that’s a different story), reunite with the sisters, and now enter the order. None of which would have happened if I didn’t go to an expensive Catholic university.

I’ve come to realize that I was meant to go to CUA, so I would meet that one IHM (she is now my sponsor). Accruing student loans was also part of the plan, even though it is an obstacle I now face. Curious… But I know God wouldn’t be calling me to religious life if it was impossible. God knows what He is doing. And like a very wise friend told me, “God doesn’t run out of money.”  When I began fundraising, I was overwhelmed and uncertain that I could ever do this. Now, that I am doing it I can see why God put it in my life.

It is a tremendously valuable experience.

While I’ve spent years discerning this call to religious life, the added dimension of fundraising has tested my decision even further. I had to make another decision – is my vocation worth it? Am I willing to tell people that I need help? Am I willing to ask people for money? Obviously, the answer is yes! I think we can all agree that our vocations, to marriage, to religious life, or to single life, are priceless. So, there is no price that I won’t pay to fulfill God’s calling for my life. (even if it is one of the hardest things I’ve done in my life.)

While fundraising can be difficult, it has helped me grow and given me opportunities that I wouldn’t have had otherwise. Let me count the ways!

1. I have met so many beautiful and wonderful people that I never would have met if I didn’t have to fundraise.
2. My trust in God has grown stronger because I really cannot do this without Him.
3. I wouldn’t have started this blog if someone I met through fundraising hadn’t suggested it to me.
4. I probably would have kept the news to my family and friends instead of sharing it with the world!
5. I’ve had so many opportunities to build a culture of vocations that I would not have had otherwise.
6. I have gained valuable skills to take with me into the convent.

Amazing, right? So many things would not have happened if I didn’t have to fundraise, and I wouldn’t be writing this right now.

I’ve come to realize that it’s not just about the money. It is about sharing my story with people and hearing theirs! It is about building relationships. It is about giving people an opportunity to become a part of something beautiful. It is about being vulnerable so God can work through me. Honestly, I wouldn’t want it any other way.

Now, let me tell you about the amazing organization with which I am working. The Laboure Society fosters priestly and religious vocations through student loan resolution. Currently, there are 11 apsirants who are fundraising to overcome the obstacle of student loans. We are fundraising together to make our vocations a reality! If you would like to learn more or donate, click here.

Instrument of His Love

As I’ve shared my exciting news with people – I am entering the convent, I have gotten so many compliments of praise, admiration, and congratulations. If you know me, you know that I am not very good at accepting compliments. I usually stumble through accepting them trying to explain that it’s not a big deal or that I didn’t do anything that spectacular. I have been working on it, and I am getting better at it.  I have thought about the giving and receiving of compliments quite a bit. First of all, why do people give compliments? People give compliments to show approval, praise, admiration, and encouragement. All of these are wonderful things! So, why do I find myself floundering when faced with a compliment? I know that I am wonderfully and beautifully made. But, I also know that every good thing I have is not my own, and it is God who has placed it in my being. As silly as it sounds, compliments make me feel like credit is being misplaced. It is not I who should be praised, but God.

 

Yet, I have free will, and I have allowed God to work through me. Through my prayer and my service, I have allowed God’s love to penetrate my life and my actions. I don’t have to do that; no one does, but it is a choice and something I have to get better at every day. God, in all His generosity, has privileged me with certain gifts and abilities to be an instrument of His love. So, accepting compliments isn’t about making sure God gets credit (He does deserve it), but it’s about being thankful. I am thanking God for the many gifts I have received and showing the world His love through my words and actions. I can show the world that God is real, powerful, and oh so loving. When people give me compliments, it means I am doing something right; I am letting Him work through me. Give me a compliment and I’ll say “Thank you” not just to you, but to God as well. Alleluia!

Shine on Me

Sitting here,

Soaking up Your rays of love,

I feel like a flower in a field.

The Son shining brightly,

Helping me grow,

Giving me life,

Drawing me upward.

My face gazing toward

The source of all love.

And I allow myself to be.

To be warmed and comforted

By Your presence here,

To be nourished by Your life.

Your light penetrates my heart

And casts out the darkness.

Shine on me Lord.

Help me blossom into the beautiful flower

You’ve created me to be.

Amen.

Thank you!

My heart is so full these days.

So full of thanks,

Thanks for God’s love,

Thanks for all of the wonderful people He’s put in my life,

Who I am today has been impacted by so many people,

People who have taught me about life,

About overcoming difficulty,

About laughing at yourself,

About not taking yourself or anything too seriously,

About knowing I am beautifully and wonderfully made,

About loving with your whole heart,

About making sacrifices,

About taking risks and being brave,

About living life fully,

About helping others,

About enjoying the little things,

About spending quality time with family and friends,

About not making excuses,

About listening for God’s voice in a noisy world,

About the importance of prayer,

About making people feel welcome and comfortable,

About  accepting people for who they are and where they are,

About doing your best,

About not being too hard on yourself or others.

These are just some of the lessons I’ve learned

From the people in my life.

So if you’ve been in my life for days, months, or years,

Thank you for what you’ve done for me.

I guarantee I would not be who I am today

Without every single one of you.

Praise and thanksgiving be to our God forever and ever. Amen.

Communitas

Last week, I spent the week with my sisters. Oh, what a wonderful week it was! A handful of discerners went to Philadelphia to help with Vacation Bible School. As the week passed, so much of my anxiety and nervousness melted away.

On one of the first days, I was in the chapel when I realized what a huge step I was taking! This has been happening on a regular basis lately. The enormity of my decision hits me full force.  But, before I let myself get carried away, I stopped. I said, “Jesus, give me Your peace.” Then, suddenly I knew I was right where I should be, with Him. Christ has called me by name, and He will give me everything I need. This summer has been such a funny time for me. I feel pulled between two lives, and Entrance Day seems so far away! A few weeks ago, I was able to identify this funniness that I was feeling. I have been craving community with the sisters; these women are my new family but I haven’t been able to spend time with them.  Spending the week with the sisters was the dose of community I needed to get me through the summer.

The sisters are just so energetic, joyful, prayerful,  and sometimes ridiculous, just like me. I fit right in, and when I am with them I feel like I am home.

So, here is a run down of my week:

Each morning we woke up and loaded into the vans at 7 am. We said Morning Prayer in the car followed by good old fellowship. Upon arriving, we went to mass.  After mass, we got ready for the day at VBS. The theme was “Avalanche Ranch,” so everything was cowboy themed. We began each day with praise and worship songs, some of which were cowboy themed. One song was called “Wild Ride” and it went like this:

You better come along/Everybody’s going/On a wild ride/Through God’s word/We’re following our leader/All our friends will be there/ And you better hang on tight/Cus it’s a wild ride!

Of course the songs had motions to go with them and we got really into it! Oh and the kids liked them too.

The rest of the day consisted of 3 rotating stations: games, arts and crafts, and drama. I was in the drama room with  Sr. Rose and another girl. We had a blast! Through skits, hands on activities, and prayer we guided the kids through the book of Joshua and Christ’s death and resurrection. The most exciting day in drama was when the kids knocked down the walls of Jericho (Sr. Rose wearing a sign that said “wall”). The kids marched around the wall (Sr. Rose) seven times, tooting their horns and cheering. When the wall fell down, there was much rejoicing! My acting partner and I made fools of ourselves all week. I felt like this is what I was made for. I loved being over the top ridiculous to get the kids attention, and I was in awe of how much the kids got out of it. Profound thoughts come out of the mouths of babes.

Not only did I get to work with the sisters, I got to meet so many precious kids. The kids were between 4 and 10 years old. These kids were cute, sassy, and everything else in between.  Watching these kids really take part in everything was wonderful. Every day we did a little meditation at the end of drama. While the kids could be rambunctious at times, they quieted themselves and entered into the guided meditation. On the day we talked about Jesus’ death, we passed around the crucifix. Each child held the crucifix over their heart and said a prayer – beautiful.

At the end of each day, we loaded up in the vans and headed back to the Motherhouse. We had about an hour of free time, and then we went to the chapel for evening prayer. One day we got back and found water guns on the front steps. An intense water war unfolded. At the end of it, Sr. Mary was the only one left with ammo. She ran circles around everyone making sure we all got good and wet. We proceeded to dinner with all of the sisters in the dining hall. This is where I felt like a celebrity… There are about 50 sisters who live in the Motherhouse, and they know that I am entering in September. So, I received lots of hugs, congratulations, and welcome from all of them. Every sister I meet is just so wonderful.  I love them and I can’t wait to be one of them.

After dinner, we washed dishes together. This is one of my favorite things when I visit. We lined up along the sinks, and everyone had a different job. While we washed, everyone chatted and cracked jokes. With such good company, the task was easy and fun!

After dinner, met with our “team,” and we prepared for the next day.  Then, we had some recreational time. We watched “Craft Wars” and learned that you NEVER spray paint Styrofoam, and you should always sand plexi glass before hot gluing lightbulbs to it. Another night, we built a fire and made s’mores, and another night we played “Guesstures”. We also celebrated a sister’s feast day with a special prayer and refreshments. It was all so much fun and so hilarious. I feel like I am constantly laughing when I am there. No matter how tired I am I always feel energized in the sisters’ presence.

So, the week ended, and we were all exhausted. But, I left knowing that I am going to be more than alright next year. I am going to awesome! I will be part of an amazing community of women with Christ as their anchor and their guide.

Bestowed Upon Me

This time I live is not mine.

It is Yours that you have bestowed upon me.

I need not worry about the timing of things.

You know the time for all things.

You will show me the path of life as it unfolds.

I must live each day,

Not count the days

Trusting You means not planning so much,

But living each day with an open heart

To Your will and Your love.

If I can let go of my plans,

I will see your plans for my life are more beautiful.

I will not be afraid.

I will not worry.

You are holding me

You will never let go.

Amen.

Extraordinary

So, I went to see “The Dark Knight Rises”, and I enjoyed it immensely. It inspired this post, so here I go!

I am a big fan of the super hero genre of movies, and I’ve seen most of the hero movies in the last few years. While becoming a super hero is not something to which we can realistically aspire, I think we all feel empowered after watching such films. They fight crime and kick major butt, they stand up for truth and justice, and they change the world! I think a part of each of us (I know I do) wants to be like them. After all, these super heroes were just ordinary people before some extraordinary thing happened to them, right? So why couldn’t that be us? I know, I know a spider bite can’t really change you into a crime fighting machine, and there’s not some serum that can turn your into a war hero overnight. But, what really makes a super hero so remarkable is their ability and choice to use their extraordinary talents for the good of others. Can’t we do that too?

God has given each one of us an extraordinary talent or ability (some people have many). The question is, have we accepted it, embraced it, and nourished it? If we have, then we can do amazing things. If we haven’t, why not? Get started already!

I am guilty of sitting gifts aside for whatever reason: laziness, lack of inspiration, lack of confidence, or busyness. In my heart, I know God has made me for greatness, and I know he has given me these gifts so I can change the world.  But, I can’t change the world if I ignore these precious gifts.

Ok, you’re probably wondering what these hidden talents are well… I am actually a pretty good artist, however I don’t always practice my skills. I find excuses to put it off, but when I do sit down with paints, I find myself caught up in creating beautiful works of art. There is actually a potentially amazing painting sitting unfinished at my house. I am not sure why I haven’t finished, because I certainly have the time this summer. For some reason, I am afraid but it’s hard to explain why. The following quote resonates with me a little bit and calls me to leave fear behind. It is quite inspiring, and I completely forgot about it until I began typing this post. Read it – be inspired – go shine!

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” Marianne Williamson

On Earth as it is in Heaven

In less than 2 months, my life will no longer be my own. This is exhilarating and unsettling at the same time. While, the idea of religious life has been in my heart for more than 7 years, the reality of what it means for my life is suddenly sinking in. Poverty, chastity, and obedience are the beautiful vows that I will someday take, but they are also challenging. While, I have always known the dual nature of these vows, the challenge of it all has suddenly taken hold of me.

Until now, I have been living in the world, but I’ve also been of the world.

When I enter the convent, I will no longer be of this world, but of a heavenly pursuit. Yet, I will still be in this world, and the world is still going to be the same place with all of the same things in it. I have to say goodbye to so many things which have been a part of my life for so long. Quite frankly, I am a little nervous. I’ve never gone without some of this stuff, and I know it is going to be hard. I don’t live an extravagant life, but I have become accustomed to certain things. I’ve already told you about my affinity for clothing, and when I go shopping, it is painful not to shop for myself. Don’t even get me started on my phone. I have mini panic attacks when I “lose” it. My love of books will have to be curbed. I am one of those people who doesn’t go to the library, but buys the book instead. Then there are my accessories: jewelry, headbands, purses, scarves, and of course shoes. Until I started preparing for the convent, I didn’t realize how much stuff I had in my life.

On September 7, all of things will be part of my life then suddenly on September 8, they won’t. Eek!

Of course, I am preparing myself for this transition. This summer I am working on living simply and trying to become less dependent on things. But, I don’t think anything can fully prepare me for this next year.

This next year, I will be put through the fire and purified. I am not disillusioned that religious life is going to be easy, especially during this transition. But, I do know that a life of detachment and poverty is worth so much more than a life full of stuff.

Jesus said to him, “If you wish to be perfect, go, sell what you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.” When the young man heard this statement, he went away sad, for he had many possessions. Matthew 19: 21-22

I want treasure in Heaven, and I long to follow the Lord. So, I refuse to be the sad young man who walks away from Jesus to go back to his possessions. Um, is he crazy or something? The kingdom of God is at hand, and I will strive to gain it. In this case, I must give up my worldly possessions and follow the Lord with all my heart, mind, and soul. God’s kingdom isn’t concerned with the latest fashions and gadgets nor should I be. The kingdom of God is concerned with one thing and one thing alone, LOVE.

“Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven”

Right in the Lord’s prayer, we proclaim that His kingdom is here and we will do His bidding so that this world will know Heaven. Are we paying attention to the words we’re praying? Are we being sincere in our prayer?

Many of us have been duped by the world with the idea that the void in our hearts can be filled with things. Things can make us happy. But we learn our lesson the hard way. We accumulate more and more, yet we are never fulfilled. Why? Because the hole in our hearts is not in the shape of any thing; it is in that shape of a person and that person is the Lord.

I may be freaking out a little bit about living a life of poverty, but I know that this life will be worth it. When I get rid of all this stuff, my heart and my life will have more room for the Lord. That makes me giddy. I love the Lord with my whole heart, and I want more of Him. So, go ahead throw away all of my stuff. Who needs it? I’ve got the Lord!

Just wait until September 8^th please. 🙂

Lord Prepare Me

I don’t know about you, but I love the new translation of the Mass. Many of the changes bring forth strong images. They make the Mass, at least for me, more profound and meaningful. One of my favorite changes in the New Roman Missal is the prayer before Communion:

Lord, I am not worthy
that you should enter under my roof,
but only say the word
and my soul shall be healed.

It produces such a clear image – our bodies as temples. Our bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, but at Mass they also become temples for Christ in the Eucharist. When we receive the Eucharist we become, quite literally, tabernacles of the living Christ. We are dwelling places for the Lord, and we take Him with us out into the world. Christ’s work in us doesn’t end when we leave Mass. Mass is only the beginning! We must take Him to the world by sharing the love and the grace we have received with those around us. If we allow ourselves to be transformed into Love itself, then we genuinely share that Love with the world, the world will know God.

I think the expression, “We become what we eat” is spot on here except for one point. We can only be transformed if we acknowledge our need for Christ and whole heartedly accept Him into our hearts. We cannot go to the altar without the desire to be changed. We have to admit that we are starving and allow ourselves to be fed. We are incomplete. If we approach the altar of the Lord thinking we’ve got it all figured out, there is no room for Christ. Christ is knocking on the door of our hearts. Do we have room for Him? Are we willing to let Him change what it looks like in there?

The Perfect, Most Holy One has humbled Himself and become simple bread. Our Lord not only became man, but He became food for us. He becomes part of our very being. When we receive the Eucharist, Christ lives within us! This is the most beautiful and astounding mystery of the Bread from Heaven. I think if we truly understood the meaning of this we would “die of joy” (St. John Vianney).

I know I have done nothing to deserve the gift of the Eucharist. Nor can I do anything to make myself worthy. While I want to make a suitable place for my Lord to dwell, I will always be lacking. Only Christ can transform my murky heart into a royal chamber.

A while ago, I was singing the song Sanctuary, and realized that it is the perfect prayer in preparation for the Eucharist. As I approach the altar, I pray the lines of the song:

Lord prepare me,

To be a sanctuary,

Pure and holy,

Tried and true,

With thanksgiving,

I’ll be a living sanctuary

For you.

These simple lines help me realize that I am merely a vessel for Christ, and He is going to form me into His Instrument. He knows my depths and will prepare me for whatever plans He has for me. I certainly cannot do it myself; I need Him. When His plans are revealed to me, I will be ready. What an honor it is to be at the service of the King! How can I be anything but grateful?

Okay, enough of me talking. Here are some beautiful quotes that expand my point.

“The guest of our soul knows our misery; He comes to find an empty tent within us – that is all He asks.” St. Therese of Lisieux

“From the Eucharist comes strength to live the Christian life and zeal to share that life with others.” Blessed Pope John Paul II

“The greatest love story of all time is contained in a tiny white Host.”  Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen

“Upon receiving Holy Communion, the Adorable Blood of Jesus Christ really flows in our veins and His Flesh is really blended with ours.” St. John Vianney